Nothing Matters
by AquiXia
Summary: The night of the Particle Accelerator explosion, everyone lost something. But Caitlin Snow's pain is not limited to grief, she suffers the guilt of having someone sacrifice himself to save her. (SnowStorm) (Rated T for self harm)


**A/N: _So, SnowStorm wedding, which was surprisingly not interrupted by a certain Yellow Speedster or any other metas. But I think I know from a fact that Caitlin will never get her happily ever after, she has everything she wants, and just as the last piece of her puzzle is being set, everything is taken away from her. But I guess we all know that, so I decided to hurt her some more (because, you know, that's how you treat your favourite character), and came up with my version of what happened after the Particle Accelerator went kaboom. Yes, it is the same night. (And I might or might not have written this in an hour while on a coffee rush, after a horribly depressing night.) Without further ado, I present to you my fellow Flash fans,_ Nothing Matters**

* * *

" _Ronnie!" "Open the door!" "I have to, Cait." "Where is Ronnie?" "We are in lock-down mode" "I can't." "Get him out of there or he'll die!" "Is Cisco there?" "There has to be another way out of there, you have to find it!" "Cisco... Cisco are you there?" "I adjusted the magnets to redirect the beam." "Cisco where is he?" "Ronnie it's me!" "Cait..." "I'm here, I'm listening." "The doors need to stay shut to protect you." "I'm here..." "_ _ **Caitlin, whatever happens...**_ _" "Ronnie? Ronnie!"_

* * *

His voice lingered in her mind. The soothing harmony he created was gone, vanished. Not even an empty vessel of his soul found. Only thing left of him was his scent, weakly dispersed throughout her apartment. She didn't want to be there, she was supposed to die, not him. He wasn't supposed to come with her, he didn't have to die, she had killed him. She killed Ronnie. She killed _her_ Ronnie.

She sobbed louder now. In her bathtub, empty bottles of –everything – lay with her. She took another gulp of her tequila. Another bottle emptied. Another one she opened. Her hysterics turned screams. She did not realize, though. Ronnie was there. Standing before her. His hand reaching out, and she reached out.

She reached out. She reached further, but could not reach him. She moved her feet, kicked, screamed, cried, scratched, and nothing. The world was spinning, everything was spinning. She couldn't close her eyes, they were too dry, they were burning. But she did not care. It did not matter. Nothing did. Not without him. She wasn't complete without him. Not alive without him.

Not alive, but in pain. She had to end it. She deserved death, he did not. Now was the time for justice. To bring what the inequity of the world could not bring. She stood up, most of the bottle emptied on her. No big deal. She got out of the tub. She was walking in nothingness, just pitch black. But she knew where to go. What to do.

She opened the drawer, all sorts of scythes, many objects of justice. She had the one. One she was intending to cut her wedding cake with. A gift from- doesn't matter. She carried it to their room. Sat on her bed. Ronnie sat on the other side. She screamed. Asked why he came with her. Why he saved her. Why he died. Why he left her. Asked why he did not reply. She cried.

She held the knife. She dropped it. Couldn't see. Too dark, too dizzy, too tired. She coughed, her sobs cutting her breaths. In her moment of silence, everything was pitch black. No light, no vision. No sound, no hearing. No senses, no thoughts. Ronnie is not gone. He is there with her. They are holding hands. He is holding her. She is his. He is hers. They will never be separated again. Never.

A cat shrieked outside. And there was light again. No Ronnie. They were separated. Again. She did not feel her tears anymore. She was crying, but she didn't feel it. Her screams muffled by his pillow. She breathed in his scent. Intoxicating. She wanted to exhale the same scent so it would never be lost. Too late. His scent too would leave her, soon. She would be all alone. Justice.

So she closed her eyes. It was dark again. But no sign of him. It was just a dream. She would wake up in the morning. He would be holding her. She was safe. He was safe. They were together. They protected each other. She sobbed again, unknowingly this time. A sudden pain was inflicted to her. Someone stabbed her in the heart. It only existed as fragments now.

She screamed. She let everyone know that he is gone. Her throat burned, and she was feeling even more nauseous. Does not matter. Nothing matters. He was gone again. She was alone. Even lonelier than before she met him. She screamed again. A part of her was ripped away. She let her voice reflect the pain.

Her mind started with the tricks again. Ronnie was by her. Holding her. "Am I dead, too?" He did not reply. She cried into his chest. He held her. She found the knife again. He held her arm. She did not move. He kissed her forehead. She was too dizzy. He cushioned her fall. She was safe. He saved her. He saved everyone. She could rest easy. Justice was served.

* * *

"Caitlin!" Cisco kicked down the door. He knew what she went through, losing Ronnie was like losing a brother to him but for Caitlin, it was different. It was worse. The rescue teams needed him to minimize damage, but she needed her more now. He owed it to Ronnie. He had to look after Caitlin, make sure she was safe.

Cisco ran to the bathroom, which was in a state of chaos. Empty bottles crowded the room and everything was dampened by the alcohol. He then checked the bedroom to find Caitlin fast asleep, curled up with Ronnie's pillow, his scent must have been comforting her. A knife lay peacefully beside her but there was no blood. Cisco let out a sigh of relief as he took it away.

He knew she wanted to be left alone but he could not risk her safety, especially with all the drinks she had had. He filled a cup with cool water, and got a bucket, placing them both next to the bed. Cisco sat next to her, but he couldn't help but let out a sob, but he had to stay strong to honour Ronnie's memory, to keep Caitlin safe.

* * *

Caitlin woke up the next morning, the worst headache she had ever had, she had a sore throat, aches all over her body and she generally felt horrible. She opened her eyes to find a glass of water on one side and dozed off Cisco on the other. She gladly gulped down the water, and pulled the covers on Cisco, who was asleep for many hours that followed. And Caitlin silently, inwardly cried.

* * *

 **And that was my take on what happened to Caitlin that night, and how her and Cisco's (brother/sister) relationship began to hold more importance to both.**

 **Hope you enjoyed, reviews are appreciated!**

 **-Silver**


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